Heading Off The Baby Showers

by FrugalBabe on February 3, 2008

Two of my girlfriends have offered to host a baby shower for us recently, and in both cases I’ve politely but firmly declined.  My friends think I’m a little nuts, but they know me and respect my opinions and there will be no showers.  (I hosted a baby shower for one of them – at her request – and attended a bridal shower for the other, so they know that I respect their wishes and desires too).  I know that my friends offered to host a shower because they love me, but it would have made me miserable, and I’m so glad that I didn’t let myself get pressured into doing something just because everybody else does it. 

Yesterday I was wasting time online, and came across some baby forum where expectant moms were chatting about all sorts of stuff.  One lady wrote that she was looking for ideas on how to tell people that she just wanted cash or gift cards at her baby shower, because she wants to buy a Bugaboo stroller for $800, and figured that getting money from her friends would help with that lofty goal.

Oh. My. Goodness.  This, my friends, is why we are not registering for baby gifts and why we do not want a baby shower.  The world has gone freaking crazy.  90% of the stuff we think we need in order to raise a baby is not a need at all – just a cleverly marketed want.  For two years while I was a Peace Corps Volunteer, I watched mothers in East Africa raise their infants with little more than a large square of cloth to secure the baby to their backs, a few more squares to serve as diapers, and an ample supply of breast milk.  No cribs, no strollers, no changing tables, no mobiles, no coordinating outfits…

To the lady who wants the $800 stroller, I truly feel sorry for you.  You honestly have no idea what is important in life.  And the fact that you want your friends and family to help you purchase this crazy piece of rampant consumerism shows that you have little understanding of the value of friendship or the meaning of gifts.

Obviously I know that this lady is isn’t representative of everyone who registers for baby gifts and has baby showers.  But it’s just an extreme form of the same thing.  People honestly don’t need most of the stuff that they register for when they’re having a baby.  As for the shower, I’m not at all opposed to the idea of a party where people gather to celebrate a new baby’s arrival.  But I have never been to a shower where the primary focus was anything other than the gifts, which is why I have such a distaste for them. 

Several friends have already given us hand-me-downs from their own children, which we will pass on to other friends or family once we don’t need them anymore.  And we will be ever so grateful for any other gifts that we get for this baby.  But I honestly don’t expect gifts from anyone.  Having a baby (just like having a birthday or getting married) doesn’t entitle a person to a whole pile of gifts.  Most people – myself included – enjoy giving gifts.  But nobody should ever expect gifts.  That’s my two (or maybe twenty…) cents.

Related posts:

  1. Baby Gifts and Showers
  2. More On Baby Gift Registries
  3. Heading Off The Identity Thieves
  4. Baby Stuff
  5. Baby Talk
  • http://mrsmicah.com Mrs. Micah

    It’s pretty crazy. I’ll ask friends for kindly-used baby clothes if they have anything they don’t think they’ll want. And I’ll return the favor for others.

    There’s so little that babies NEED. And even having a few wants isn’t bad…couple toys. I could see investing in a nice baby pak of some sort…something ergonomic if we’ll be carrying around the baby a lot.

  • AD

    I understand your point, but I really enjoyed buying stuff for my best friend’s baby for her shower, even if it wasn’t anything the baby absolutely needed.

    My coworkers are having a bridal shower for me, and while the idea of opening a bunch of gifts and being the center of attention makes me a little nervous, I didn’t know how to decline since they set everything up already. I do think that people should not expect for people to get them specific things, but rather just be grateful that they are going through all the trouble in the first place. I hope people on that website you referred to told the $800-stroller-woman that no, there is not a way of dictating what people should buy for you without coming across as completely rude and lacking any manners at all.

  • Bellen

    Congratulations on the baby and your good common sense. Holding your baby close, breast feeding, and having enough, not too much or too little, for your baby’s needs will convey to your baby just how much you love them. The ‘stuff’ just shows the world how much you buy into the idea of consuming.

  • AD

    Also, if she can’t afford the $800 stroller herself, something tells me that there are better places an expectant mom could put $800.

  • Natalie

    I have enjoyed reading your website and often agree with you. So when I began reading this blog I smiled at the $800 stroller. But keep your mind open to some of the new gadgets. I had an emergency c-section and then faced breastfeeding with a 9 lb newborn. I was unable to keep up with her and needed to start supplementing while breastfeeding. I never even planned on formula. So I did use the expensive Dr. Browns bottles (which I loved) partly b/c I wanted to make sure she had the best. And I was a new mom and was overwhelmed and now had to admit that I could not make enough milk. I was crazy! =) In the end I learned that my ideas were often altered due to the baby. I wish you the best, but just know that some things are created to help.

  • http://bitsofpieces.wordpress.com/ Bitsy

    Requesting specific gifts is always rude… it creates an air of entitlement and demonstrates a total lack of manners.

    But I don’t necessarily have anything against registries or showers. Sometimes I buy for people off a registry, sometimes I don’t (depends on how close I am to a person). And a shower is a nice way to celebrate a wedding or new baby. I’ve been to many where the focus was not on the gifts. Rather, the focus was on the celebration and the “party.”

    Seems to me, if you’re going to have a shower, you might as well register. Otherwise, you WILL end up with a bunch of stuff you don’t need (such as an endless supply of disposable diapers when you really plan to use cloth).

    Also, I think it’s incredibly rude to ask someone to throw a shower for you. But that’s just my opinion.

  • http://cheaphealthygood.blogspot.com Kris

    Man, I’m so happy you said this, and that some women are taking a stance against the way showers are set up. I’ve been to 20 or so in the last few years, and some are nothing more than a gift conveyor belt with complementary cake on the side.

  • Jessica

    Isn’t an odd feeling to not want to get things from other people. I was talking about not registering for my wedding because I didn’t want or need anything and people look at me like I’m insane. I feel like I will do the same thing when I have kids. I’m sure you have a totally different perspective after being in the Peace Corps. Thanks for such a great blog. I enjoy it a lot.

  • http://boomeyers.savingadvice.com/ boomeyers

    I do enjoy going to baby and wedding showers. More for the getting together with other women for a fun afternoon of celebration and silly games. Its a social thing. You could always request a shower of gently used or homemade only items, instead of all the crazy new things too. Ummmm…. eating cake, FUN!

  • http://boomeyers.savingadvice.com/ boomeyers

    I do enjoy going to baby and wedding showers. More for the getting together with other women for a fun afternoon of celebration and silly games. Its a social thing. You could always request a shower of gently used or homemade only items, instead of all the crazy new things too. Or even donations to your favorite charity or womans shelter instead. That way they would feel good in giving you a shower, but you would’nt compromise your principles.

  • http://mrsnespysworld.blogspot.com Kaye

    I am too practical of a person to give gifts that so many do. Too often children receive more clothes and toys than they can reasonably use. I always give gifts that are practical–diapers/wipes (depending on the plans for diapering), Tylenol, diaper rash cream, baby powder, etc. I figure that even if they already have some, it won’t go bad, the child will not outgrow it (for a while at least!) and the moms are always appreciative. No, it’s not as cute as the little monogrammed sundress, but it seems like a smarter buy to me.

  • http://smallcents.blogspot.com/ Kelly

    Well, I’ve always loved baby showers as a celebration of the baby and the mom, and giving life and birth, and womanhood. I think it can be a really nice way to honor the new person who’s entering the world, and the new role in your life. In France, where I live, we don’t have showers (of any kind!) and I really missed that with my three babies.
    I agree that there’s not a lot that you need for the baby, but you could ask for handmade gifts only. Or you could have your guests create a book for the baby, or make a quilt together.

  • Judy

    Can you explain what you do find necessary? Going into the stores can certainly seem overwhelming (baby wipe warmers!!)

  • http://frugalbabe.com Frugal Babe

    Hi Judy,
    We’re still about three months away from actually using all this baby stuff, but so far we have a crib, a car seat, some hand-me-down clothes, a breast pump and bottles (not sure yet if I’ll be going back to work – if I do, I’ll be pumping, and a friend gave me her pump). We also have a baby sling and some miscellaneous stuff people have given us. My mother and I are going to make cloth diapers, and we’ll be using washclothes for wipes. No wipe warmers :) We’re not getting a changing table – we’re going to move a sofa into the baby’s room and use that or the dresser top to change diapers. I’ll make sure I post about our baby adventures as we go along – I’m sure I’ll come up with a few other things that we need.

  • http://www.workingforfinancialfreedom.com Erin

    So true. And yet I know I’ve been guilty of this. We are getting ready to move and I’ve been decluttering and getting a ton of stuff to donate. It’s sad that we have so much to donate, and still have plenty of things here at home for us. Then I read about the winter storms in China and how orphanages are desperate for simple things like heat, food and diapers. The basics. Yet here I sit in my large warm house, on my computer, with a full pantry and my children have plenty of toys. Very humbling.

  • Sharon

    I’m in the same boat… my best friend insists on throwing a shower, even though my husband and I don’t buy into all the baby *STUFF*. Terrified that I would receive a bunch of things I don’t want (disposable diapers, etc.), I registered for some of the basics (pre-fold cloth diapers, a few glass bottles, etc.). And I insisted that the invitation specify that “previously loved” items are welcomed and encourage, and I also put a blurb about that on the registry website. We’ve gotten most of the basics – bassinet, changing table, car seat and stroller – either used or from friends with older children. Now my big challenge is the grandmothers – all they want to do is SHOP and it’s driving me crazy!! At least I won’t have to sink money into clothes, I guess. :-)

    I LOVE your blog. Thanks!

  • http://www.leads4insurance.com Jerry

    Entitlement is rampant in our culture, unfortunately, and it leads to these types of things (like expectations for an $800 stroller, for example). Many people tend to view baby showers as some kind of absurd insurance policy to use to stock the nursery… even for a second or third child! My wife had a surprise shower thrown for her at her former job, and while she appreciated the sentiment, she also felt a little bit bad for what people had sacrificed on her behalf. It’s an interesting dilemma.
    Jerry
    http://www.leads4insurance.com

  • Valerie

    I was thinking that maybe she can actually afford an $800 stoller. If all she wants is a stroller, then she obviously already has or can afford everything else she needs. Maybe she wants 1 nice thing that she really wants as opposed to alot of little things that she doesn’t find necessary. If she’s looking at an $800 stroller, she’s apparently on a completely different financial level. But whatever her situation is, I think its a little too judgemental to say that she doesn’t know what’s important in life.

  • FrugalBabe

    Valerie,
    It’s the expecting other people to pay for the $800 stroller that I find objectionable. If she can afford it herself then she should just buy it herself. But if she’s looking for ways to be able to tell her friends and family that she wants money to buy an $800 stroller, something is wrong with that picture.

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