It Really Is The Thought That Counts

by FrugalBabe on June 8, 2007

I noticed a Yahoo Answers question today about how much money one should spend on a wedding gift.   The fact that this was even a question up for discussion suprised me – isn’t that a personal decision?  But when I started reading the answers, I was laughing at first, and after a while I was just disgusted.  What has happened to us?  When did people begin to feel entitled to gifts?  How in the world did we get to the point where someone would actually write this:

In NYC, anything under $150 for a regular size wedding per person is considered inconsiderate. For a more fancy wedding, it’s $200 per person. If it’s a good friend, it can be more. If you can, find out what the couple pays for each plate and add approximately $50- $100 on to each plate.

Have we really become such a jaded, greedy culture that we put a price tag on what’s considerate in terms of gifts?  I guess I live so far at the other end of the spectrum that I assume people like this are few and far between.  But in the first 25 answers posted, only two made any sense to me at all.  One person pointed out that you need to look at what you can afford:

I think you should be honest with yourself on what you can afford…and spend that. Anything else your friend is not a friend if she gets offended thinking you didnt spend enough

And another person summed up exactly what I was thinking, but it was after 23 other answers that all tried to put a price tag on friendship.  How is this not what most people think?

The notion that the guests are supposed to pay for the wedding is pretty silly. This “wedding as a money maker” business is getting out of control. What happened to “celebrating love”? When I got married, I was just happy to have my friends there w/ me.

A wedding is very personal.  I think that most of what’s involved in a typical wedding is a huge waste of time and energy, and my husband and I stayed true to that belief when we got married.  But, if having a big blowout will make you happier, then go for it.  BUT DON’T EXPECT YOUR GUESTS TO PAY FOR IT!!!  The very fact that people think that there is a set amount that must be spent on a wedding gift is a sign of a very sick society that we have found ourselves in.  This is one of the things that bothered me the most about the idea of a wedding, and one of the deciding factors behind our elopement.  I did not want anyone to feel that they had to get us a gift just because we were getting married. 

I don’t have any friends who would consider a gift to be inconsiderate based on the value of the gift.  I can’t imagine such a person having very many true friends at all.  Friendship is based on taking care of each other, being there in good times and bad.  Friendship is driving across town at midnight to sit on the couch with a friend who’s just been dumped by the guy she loved.  Friendship is taking a meal to someone who’s just had a baby.  And then staying for a few hours to clean the kitchen and do some laundry while the new parents squeeze in a little nap.  Friendship is celebrating each others triumphs and mourning each others losses.   It is so many things, but how much you spend on a gift is not one of them.

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  • Kit

    I so agree! The motto of my slightly bitter, twice divorced sarcastic self is: “Marriage. It only takes two years and you get a lot of great stuff.” But really especially in this day and age we are looking at marriages between two people who are already established individually if not as a couple. The wedding gifts my ex(‘s) and I received ranged from china and silver (which my mother insisted I register for and have only sat unused in a drawer for umpteen years) to a doormat (which we registered for). The very best gifts were inexpensive ones which reflect the personality of the giver, and which I still have and use.

    My cousin is getting married in July. We are not close and I will not attend but I did go to her on line registry intending to send a gift. The least costly item was $200 and the most was in the $3000 range. My first instinct was to send nothing at all, but I’ve decided to send a small something that I can afford (maybe in the $30 – $50 range).

  • http://www.bizarroworldfreakshow.blogspot.com/ Bianca Bizarro

    I agree with you. I can’t believe how out of control weddings have gotten. If the couple wants to have a big blowout and invite me — I’ll go, but I’m not going to spend more on a couple just because they’re having a splashier wedding than a friend who’s having a small wedding.

  • http://gradgirl.wordpress.com GradGirl

    FB: I could not agree with you more. In fact, I was just discussing this very thing with a friend of mine. In today’s culture, registering is one of the first things a newly engaged couple does. Where did that come from?

  • http://udandi.blogspot.com udandi

    ah, I have a love-hate thing with weddings, wedding showers (and now even baby showers) because of gift registries and an unwillingness to buy to please.

    I agree with the idea that if you want to host a party to celebrate your wedding, great! But it is not up to the guests to help off-set the bill with gifts.

    This weekend, I picked up One Perfect Day: The Selling of the American Wedding but I haven’t gotten far. I will probably post about it when I am done.

    (P.S. what’s the secret to your spam catcher? Do I leave a space between words or not?! I hope third time ‘s a charm!)

  • http://financepsychology.wordpress.com/ ladydoughgirl

    Well, I must admit I had a tasteful but not inexpensive wedding. My parents paid for 90% of it. If I was getting married today I would make different choices about that.

    One of my favorite gifts was something that didn’t cost much money at all. We went overseas on our honeymoon to the country that my husband’s family is originally from. The gift from my mother in law was an address book that she had filled in with all of her friends and family’s information in it so that we could look up friends and family. This gift touched me so much because it was so thoughtful but also because it took her time to fill that out. Much more creative and thougthful than just receiving a thing like a pot or a bowl.

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